Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Drool That Binds Us

Blue-beard the Drooler!

Woo! "Taco Dirty Spinach Laundry!" (see below
for clarification)

On the amazing similarities between dogs and human babies.

First of all, I'd like to thank all the dogs in my life who prepared me for being a mother to a baby human. So far, the only real difference between having dogs and having a human baby, is that the dogs snooze in a barred cage thing with a top and babies snooze in a barred cage thing without a top. The list that follows details the uncanny similarities between the two creatures.

1. Human babies and dogs drool - A LOT. And it's not like the "fall asleep with your mouth open cutsie haha pillow drool." It's nasty, sticky, doesn't disappear after it falls on inanimate objects drool. It is drool that could literally be used instead of super glue. And because of this insane drool, most people cautiously pat babies on the top of their heads in the same way you cautiously pat nasty drool mongering dogs on the top of the head. "Awww, you're cute but ICK don't touch me!"

2. Human babies gnaw on anything they can get their mouths around in the same way labradors gnaw on anything they can get their mouths around (when you're not looking). I'm sure if you left a baby in a room alone with your retainer and your cell phone, they'd magically disappear by the time you returned. And then there you'd be, waiting with a stick for every last piece of that retainer to magically reappear.

3. Both dogs and babies love to watch you talk but they have no clue what you are saying. You could easily swap "who's the cutest little baby/doggie ever?" with "Taco Dirty Spinach Laundry?" and as long as you used the same tone of voice they would be equally pleased. Babies even do the sideways questioning dog head move. Both equally cute. And both try to mimic what you say (well if you've ever owned a mouthy moose named Bella) but end up saying "roo roooo roooooo!" with increasing loudness, ferocity and of course drooliness.

4. Both dogs and babies love to tear, shred, and destroy paper. Why? I do not know. They have a vendetta against post-processed trees. But type in "dog tears up paper" and "baby tears up paper" on youtube and peruse said subject...Yep, now you're saying the only difference is a little fur huh?

5. Both dogs and babies have separation anxiety. Seriously, I'm thinking about hiring Cesar Millan for Molly. You leave a dog in a crate and walk away and they freak out - they yelp/scream/coyote howl and desperately try to claw their way to freedom and back to you. Babies = no difference (except insert the word crib in crate's place).

The list could go on forever to include such topics as walk/squeaky thing/mud/food enthusiasts, the amazingly constant handling of poo, and the possession of overly excited crazy legs. We dearly love both dogs and babies, play smoochie face/belly rub with both. But, although both are great, I really hope my baby girl grows out of the drooly, chewie, overly dependent labrador stage and learns to walk, talk, poo independently and heaven forbid, figure out her multiplication tables.

Oh, and to transition into the next blog subject - there is one MAJOR difference between babies and dogs. Dogs have no problem falling asleep on their own, in any place anywhere, and in any position when they are sleepy (see Bella blog for proof). Whereas Molly fussy grumpy pants...